An eye opening experience

About a month ago I went to a psychic. (okay... get your laughs out now) (finished?? ok.. continue) Originally it was more of a joke; we saw her sign on the side of Wadsworth and decided to stop and see what it was all about.

Well.... first off, first impressions are everything right? I was completely taken off guard entering this womans home. Yes her home. Not some room, with candles, incense and sheets on the walls. She opened the door with curious eyes, and a pair of just as curious eyes behind her.... at hip level. A mom psychic.

My Tarot cards were read. Found them to be pretty exact. As far as can be told anyhow. But this wasn't the part that brought me back to earth. She looked at me and told me she couldn't read me, said I was closed off and would like to do a cleanse on me. So she took me into a room that was much more like I was expecting. Dark, incense, trees painted on the walls, music... and a bed where she laid me down and placed 3 crystals on me. One for the negative things in my life between my knees, one on my stomach to center me, one on my heart for the things that make me happy. She then told me to think about the things that are negative and push them down to the lower crystal and start thinking of what makes me happy and bring it to my heart. At first, I had to think and imagine about specifically what makes me miserable, but soon the images came to me in a dream like state.

Lets focus on what came to my heart, for I don't see anything productive in dwelling on the pain in my life. My children. First and foremost the images of my children came flooding in. Burning like a wild fire in my brain. My family--meaning my mother and father, my two best friends: Kayla and Savannah, and their never ending support and love for me, and lastly images of me doing things by myself. Learning to play the piano, mountain biking, laying on the beach, painting, learning to ballroom dance and lastly... being on stage again.

Though I still have yet to digest all of this yet. I do know that once I was finished in her home, a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I had insight to what I needed to drive me forward....finally.

First day of the rest of my life

As I pulled over onto the shoulder of the road today, I didn't know what made me stop. I was taking my first of many outings alone and decided to drive. To listen to music-Drive with the window down and clear my mind. I chose a path I've taken before, though always with a specific destination. Today....I found serenity.

I pulled off the road, turned off my car and grabbed my journal not knowing until now why I brought it. Originally I sat close to the cliffs edge with my coffee at hand. But quickly found it wasn't why I stopped. I started climbing down rocks to sit by the edge of the river. It was as if they were calling me. To lose myself in the sound of a new beginning. I found one spot being showered in sunlight, and took a seat.

I wished the moment I looked around that I had brought my camera. To capture on film the place that found me today. Surrounded by cliffs; moss covered and full of sedentary life. For something that never moves, I sure envy it. Trees finding their way to the sky on lone perches. I want nothing more than to clear out the sound of the highway and to hear only thyself.

This is when, I felt the wind. And I embraced it for the first time.

I felt lost in my own thoughts. Thoughts that scare and torment me daily. Thoughts that excite and frustrate me, and thoughts that make me miserable. Thoughts that leave me feeling empty. Though, I at times find hope in what keeps me up at night, but most days, I am unhappy. I know this much. And have begun the quest of finding my own happiness.

I feel calm. I know today is the first day of the rest of my life. And I found the beginning of my path... on the side of the highway.

Beginning

What do I mean by searching for clarity? Well, here is a definition I found:

clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity.

I am looking for me. For what makes me happy. I don't know how or where I will find this, but I am trying my hardest to to get to the point where I reach a full understanding of myself.

Thus, my search for clarity.